But What Is Mindfulness Really?

Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation, and suddenly realised you hadn’t heard a word the other person just said because your mind was off somewhere else, replaying an old argument or worrying about tomorrow’s to-do list?

If yes, welcome to being human.

As a psychologist and someone who’s been meditating for about four years now, I’ve had a pretty complex relationship with mindfulness. At first, it felt like just another thing to “get right.” Like a task: “be present, don’t think too much, feel everything.” But over time,I have started to realise what mindfulness really is, and more importantly, what it’s not.

Let’s get this out of the way: Mindfulness is not a performance.

It’s not about sitting cross-legged in silence for 30 minutes with zero thoughts and a perfectly peaceful mind.

At its core, mindfulness is simply this: Paying attention to the present moment, on purpose, without judging what you find.

That means noticing the tightness in your chest after a tense meeting, the clenching of your jaw during traffic, the way your fingers nervously scroll through Instagram, or how you're holding your breath during an uncomfortable conversation.

Noticing these things without trying to fix them immediately is the beginning of something gentle and profound. 

Sounds simple, right? But it’s definitely not easy.

In fact, when I really began to practice mindfulness, I realised something surprising:

I was almost never actually present.

Even when I tried to focus on a client in session, a friend opening up, or a simple evening walk, my mind would drift. To the past. To future planning. To whether I was “doing mindfulness right.”

And here’s the beautiful, liberating truth that mindfulness taught me:

That moment of noticing you were lost in thought? That is mindfulness.

Coming back is the practice.

A lot of people think mindfulness means staying focused all the time. But the real skill, the real practice is coming back, again and again.And again.And again.

You don’t beat yourself up. You don’t say, “Ugh, I’m so bad at this.”You simply notice, and gently return.

It’s like training a puppy. Your attention runs off, maybe sniffing thoughts, chasing emotions and instead of yelling, you say, “Come back, sweetheart. Back to the breath. Back to this moment.”

Whether you're in the middle of writing a report, listening to your child tell a story, or lying awake at 2AM with racing thoughts, each moment you notice you're gone and come back, you're practicing. You're strengthening that inner muscle.

Not perfect, but present.

“But what’s the point?”

Someone recently asked me that and honestly, I love that question.

Because if you’re surviving day to day, getting things done, functioning… why add another “practice” to your life?

Here’s what I’ve seen in myself, and in the people I work with:

• You snap at your partner, and later feel crushed with guilt.

• You zone out during therapy, work calls, or meals and feel like life is passing by.

• You feel anxious but don’t even realise you’ve been holding your breath all day.

• You get overwhelmed by “small things” and wonder why you're so sensitive lately.

Mindfulness doesn’t magically erase these things but it helps you catch them sooner.It gives you a small window like a breath of space between the trigger and your response.It gives you choice.

My turning point

There were days I’d yell at someone, a partner, a colleague, even a delivery person over something minor. And then, seconds later, the guilt would wash over me like a wave. “Why did I snap? That wasn't even about them.” 

What I’ve learned is this: when we explode over something small, it’s rarely about that moment.It’s about everything beneath that moment.The emotional buildup. The overstimulation. The need to hold it together for too long.

Mindfulness gave me a pause button.Even if it’s just one breath.One moment to ask: “What’s really going on in me right now?”

Sometimes, that’s all it takes to soften the edge.

So, the next time you feel overwhelmed, whether you’re stuck in traffic, replying to a tough email, or about to say something in anger, try this simple pause:

Ask: “What’s going on inside me right now?”Breathe: Just one deep, conscious breath.Return: Gently. No blame. Just return.

Even that one moment is a shift. And over time, those tiny pauses begin to rewire how you relate, not just to others, but to yourself. 

A gentle reminder

Mindfulness isn’t about becoming calm all the time.It’s not about becoming a better version of yourself.It’s about becoming more honest with what’s here and learning to stay with it, instead of running or reacting.

You don’t need a perfect routine. You don’t need to meditate for an hour a day.You just need a tiny bit of willingness to notice evenif it’s during a meltdown, in between back-to-back meetings, or while brushing your teeth.

And if your mind wanders?

You come back. That’s the point.